I Heard it Through the Grapevine

Quick check in.

Was reading my wedding sister "Bride Sans Tulle" just now and she wrote a lovely piece about keeping your community connected to your marriage. As in, those of us who saw wedding magazines and said, "This is not what I'm experiencing, or reflective of who I am," are going to have the same kinds of struggles looking at "typical" ideals of married life, especially newlywed life.

I was recently involved in a conversation regarding a former coworker's recent decision to seek a divorce, just a year after being married. The overwhelming viewpoint of those in the conversation ran, "Everyone knew it wouldn't work from the beginning! We've been telling her this since before she even got married!" From their description of the situation, which was graphic in its gossipyness, he was a bad egg who was only going to bring her shame and disappointment.

Honestly, I felt bad being a part of the conversation. I wouldn't want someone talking about my personal life like that. I mean, we worked together for 6 months, like, four years ago. We were the same age, with similar goals and backgrounds. We probably would have been better friends if I weren't such a hermit or we'd spent more time together. I identify with her.

One of the big signs that the marriage was doomed was that they weren't happy together.

A co-worker turned to me and said, "I mean, that's how it works right? Newlywed bliss?"

And I replied, "Some days." The truth, for me, is that like most things in life, you've got days that are wonderful, sunny happy days. Brett and I go to the Field Museum downtown. We cuddle on the couch to watch John Adams. I cook and he cleans and we take the dog for a walk and buy groceries and all that stuff.

But some days are cloudy. Some parts of some days are pretty darn stormy. We have never been a couple that thought fighting meant the end of anything though. We're always going to come back to each other, maybe after a nice long walk around the block, apologize for hurt feelings, and feel stronger than we did before. I think that's normal for us.

So the newlywed bliss thing? Let's cut each other some slack here and realize that even though you just got through your wedding, you still have work and chores and life to deal with and that stuff is going to make you grumpy occasionally. Just the way life goes.

When a newlywed tells you that she's been fighting with her spouse, don't chalk that up to imminent doom! If you were at that wedding (coworkers!) if you supported it with well wishes from afar, well, it's your job to help us remember why we got married, help us seek resolution rather than dissolution. Stick up for our partner to us and help us choose every day to be with that person, even when "love" is the last thing we say we feel. Still, I'm all for a good vent session now and then, and I would never tell someone truly unhappy or uncommitted to their relationship or facing an uncommitted partner to stay in a marriage "just because."

I also want to point out that more often than the blissful honeymoon part of the glossy magazine image of marriage, I see the helpful advice articles, and the TV sitcom families where the husband is assumed to be lazy, inconsiderate, or annoyed by the things important to the wife (matching embroidered hand towels, potpourri, and shopping) while the wife is portrayed as alternately nagging, oblivious or dismissive of the husband's interests (sports, sex, and snacks). Any reaching across this gulf must somehow be manipulative (sex in exchange for shopping, for example).

I know that's not how I want my relationship with my husband to look. Any good examples of happy healthy balanced marriages in modern culture that you guys can think of?